Crooked Views

By Joseph Anthony

These Blogs are “my truths!” I stake no logistical claims, nor research to support my opinions and experiences.

What women really want

You can call some of the below “women want …” statements, urban legend, old wives tales, stereotypes, or street lingo, but either way, as a long term relationship (in particular a marriage) matures, any truth in each fades, leaving only what women really want.

When other men see a beautiful woman, with an apparently less than attractive male, the old insecure adage is, “he either has a big dick or a lot of money!” Maybe it is both? Maybe it is neither?

Let us talk…

The male member — There is so much truth and fiction surrounding this appendage, that it drives most men so much crazier than most women really care about it — in the long run. Length, girth, shape, mushroom top, Fireman’s cap, too big, too small, average … all out of our control gentleman and beyond the fling or the one night stand, they’re all just ugly pee-pees to women in time … if you’re not handy with a screw gun — more on that in a moment.

Money — Is money important to women? YES! Any other answer is bullshit. But there are varying degrees of money, just as there are varied women, opinions, and backgrounds to justify that level of desire. It is (money) an awesome aphrodisiac right out of the gate when you are courting. If the lady is shallow or materialistic, its effect will have staying power. In your typical marriage/relationship scenario, however, it whittles down to security and the basic niceties, over time, to the non-Gold Diggers. “I am woman, hear me roar,” but will he redo our kitchen and put the dishes away, once it has been done?

So, the bills are paid, you do a fairly good job in the bedroom, and you remembered to buy her favorite candy bar for her, but she still seems dissatisfied most of the time. Why? “Just be nice to me.” “Respect me.” “It’s not what you said, it’s how you said it.” “Veronica’s husband just (fill in the blank with a good deed or new purchase).” Sound familiar guys? “Nothing I do is ever good enough for you!” Ladies, you have also been the recipient of this cry of male exhaustion. Let us pull back the curtain and examine the underlying causes of such statements.

You finally got around to quieting that squeaky door. In fact, for the domestically challenged man, such as me, a can of Spray Silicone, Duct Tape, and a Reversible Head Screwdriver, make up your complete tool belt. You are so proud — she is gonna love this, you think. You are a king, right? Wrong! Fixing the squeaky door is good but, she adds, “you know what would be great … these brand-new doors that I saw online.” “But the bills,” you exclaim! “What about the vacation, we just took,” you ask? Does your woman want more than you can give her? Not necessarily — what she really wants is a live-in Handyman!

See, whether her Dad was Mike Brady (The Brady Bunch) or Al Bundy (Married with Children), in her memory — or fantasy, he was a hero. He took care of his home and his family and never once complained (can you hear the trumpets folks?) … even if that is the furthest thing from the truth. It’s a case you can seldom win and a standard that you are held up against constantly, despite her denial of that latter fact! Daddy’s little girl is just that, even in some of the worst-case scenarios of father-daughter relationships. Calm down, ladies! I am not calling you spoiled, jealous, materialistic, or judgmental. Unless of course, we slip you a dose of Truth Serum and your defensiveness happens to turn into an admission of guilt …hmm!? Wo, did you just throw your phone across the room? I suddenly have a virtual blog headache!

Simply put, or maybe complicated as all hell, we live in a world of giant home centers, with two different zip codes under one roof, twenty-four-hour DIY TV and internet shows, as well as the completion or “how to” of every task being found on YouTube, in a 3 minute Vid. The cold hard truth is that — no home project gets done in 22 minutes (factor in commercials). It’s TV or the magic of Final Cut Pro, etc.! No man, not even the handiest, completes a job without having to go back to the store for another tool, part, or additional materials, getting dirty-filthy in fact, cursing A LOT, acquiring cuts and abrasions, getting something in his eye, drinking too much alcohol, popping some pain pills, smoking some form of tobacco or other substance, having his stomach or ass crack peeking out of his crappiest work clothes, and if we did wear TV makeup … it would be running down our face, like some scary French clown, from our profuse sweating… “so come on!”

I think, for all the forward-thinking by both genders and all the resources available today, somewhere deep in the subconscious mind, there is still a need to recapture the traditional Dad/husband role, in the recesses of thought for both sexes. However, it is not 1955 and our lives are nothing like they were in that simpler time. It is tougher to survive in these modern times (lest I mention the nightmare that is 2020). Both of you have jobs or careers — sometimes several and share in some capacity, the domestic responsibilities, and the raising of the children. Your women want you to be an equal contributor. Performing the duties of her father (or imagined Daddy) and yet, clean the house occasionally. The male psyche is looking for the approval or reassurance, that he so rarely gets. The female brain is strong and independent and YET secretly desires an old school — take charge — MAN (more trumpets)! The result is tension, indifference, arguing, and the lack of an honest conversation. Sex becomes a reward, rather than just accepting each other and sharing in the natural order of things — a.k.a. quality relationship time, old fashioned values, and the basic human need to make love.

So men, if we want a Hooker in the bedroom and our mothers in the kitchen (again, whether a real or imagined image), then rightfully so, your woman wants you to “happily” strap on a Dild … NO, a toolbelt, and start remodeling and renovating some shit, to completion dammit! The best sexy role play you can reach for, with optimum results, is not Gladiator, Doctor, or Police Officer, but rather … Building Superintendent. For the “Live in Handyman” gets the girl in this fairytale, almost every time!

THAT’S what women really want!