Government “Pop-Up Tents” & Corporate Brilliance!?
Crooked Views
By Joseph Anthony
These Blogs are “my truths!” I stake no logistical claims, nor research to support my opinions and experiences.
By now, you might be aware that I have spent over three decades, working as a Stand-Up Comedian (See: The Unfunny Truth, Part 1 — Comedians). There are (essentially) two kinds of people in the workforce (Entrepreneurs excluded). Those, who secure a “good job,” (i.e., a steady salary, benefits, etc.) and like a happy robot, stick to it for most of their lives. Then, there is the dream chasing Gypsy’s, who do just about anything and everything to make money until something else happens. I have dipped my toes in both of those waters. Comedy has been my economic mainstay, albeit inconsistent, for a sizeable portion of my adult life (from the year 2000 to about 2020). However, during the lulls, the lows, or only plain times of misguidedness (aka FEAR), I have worn more hats than one would find in a Susquehannah Hat company box. In fact, I intend to write about my varied, and quite story-worthy occupations over the years, in a future series. For now, a synopsis of two of my more recent tenures will be outlined. I am eager for my book, film, or TV deal because the cast of characters (“you can’t write this stuff,” types of individuals) that I have encountered truly exist — walk the earth — yet describing them would seem fictitious and require quite a bit of time and detail. So, since this is merely an essay, my goal is to capture the essence of these environments.
Regarding how I ended up there, please stand by for my autobiography … or just piece together some of my previous blogs/essays. The fact is, I was there … in that government “Pop-Up Tent!” Most of us that were hired already knew the purpose of a Census, but NONE OF US knew what we functionally were supposed to do every day. During the first few months, I have never witnessed so many people pretend to have work responsibilities and literally get stressed (and argue/complain) about doing nothing, with such a purposeful intent! They were literally playing Office, as a child might. At least, when the blind lead the blind, although they might not know where they are heading at a given moment, they can at least put a hand on each other’s shoulder and follow. We were the quintessential mice in a maze, looking for the piece of cheese. People were creating tasks for themselves, that was neither declared by management nor guided by anyone else. The assignment is over now, and if every worker (on any level or capacity) took a Polygraph today, the results would be unanimous, that we still did not know for much of our employment, what our eight hours should consist of! Why a Polygraph? That is easy. Because if asked, almost all would tell you a hugely different story about their accomplishments and comprehension of what their day-to-day activities had to do with completing the enormous task at hand.
In the beginning, I came on board partially grateful for the employment — but mostly begrudging the fact, that for financial reasons, I even needed to be at this day job. In honesty, however, I have always had an astute work ethic (my father taught me that and my mother … well, my mother would rather I just stay home and rest … lol) and if I had to be there, I wanted my hours to have value. Despite the knowledge of my own proven existing talents and an obvious New York upbringing edginess, I believe that if you take the time to accept and show up at a job — work hard, work together, and achieve your common ends. Early on, when things would be amiss (which is a redundant statement and would prove to be a repetitive theme), there were constant ramblings from the other workers, such as, “well, what do you expect, this is government!” I took their comments to be the typical attitude that people have about employment (and the government for that matter). Wherein, someone higher up the ladder of command is always to blame for occupational or circumstantial shortcomings. Basically, employees (humans for that matter) LOVE TO COMPLAIN — there is always some problem in their workday/existence, and the fault always lies outside of themselves. I came to find out, however, just how plausible they were about a government-run operation. I attribute their experience in working for the government — because God knows, no one had any pre-existing knowledge about the details of our new positions (some are still reflecting in confusion) — to be that many of them were U.S. Veterans.
To describe the whole employee body to you, using not nearly a strong enough metaphor — as opposed to the “aching thirst” within me to paint for you every Emmy credible layman that I witnessed daily in bewilderment — would be to call us a tremendous salad, created from every possible ingredient found in your cupboard and refrigerator, then rigorously tossed whilst blindfolded! I am almost certain that the latter is a run-on sentence, but I simply could not help myself from abusing my Artistic license! To clarify and legitimize my latter poetry — hundreds of thousands of people are hired from every background and their current station in life, creating a community of people with endless opinions, varied knowledge, a wide range of personal situations, which brings them to apply for and accept this offer, but all equally sharing zero expertise in our new role(s) and virtually no one to turn to for assistance. Are we trained? Absolutely, in fact, it seems that the government has more of an affinity for writing than I do and therefore creates tremendous sized manuals (after manual…after man…) that you are expected to try and read, comprehend, and put to practical use. The problem lies in that, if you do find the applicable needle within the bureaucratically rich haystack, the rest of the information was not useable at all. More so, you needed to learn of this “gem” months earlier! Now you (the worker), have a wealth of useless knowledge, a headache, and a need for stronger reading glasses!
Granted, counting every person in the United States (that includes such scenarios as; homeless and living in the recessions of the world, an isolated remote habitat, transient — as in a mobile home, and so forth) is a daunting task, but they have ten years between each one to perfect it and that does not seem to be happening any time soon! On the upside, it is a good opportunity, for an intermittent period, if you are unemployed, looking for extra income, retired, self-employed, to earn a feasibly competitive salary. You can then, willfully use Post It Notes and enjoy the entertainment of some of the most high-strung creatures on the planet. All without the need for ANY related prior knowledge. Amazingly, the Census was completed. I have no fucking clue how, and I consider myself a good student of life!
My Disclaimer: This article was derived from my experiences and observations (as most of my essays are). Careful attention was paid to NOT impacting any person’s privacy nor discussing political information (especially concerning 2020). This does not mean that my sadistic side is not wrought with the temptation to do so 😉!
You may have noticed both a question mark and an exclamation point in the title, next to the words, Corporate Brilliance. This is not a typo. I will venture to say, that even if you have never worked for Uber (Lyft, Door Dash, etc.) … and WHO HASN’T for at least a brief spell by 2021 … I am sure that the following commentary will prove to be observations and questions, that you yourself have pondered. Especially, when sitting in the backseat of a stranger’s vehicle, who has not come to you from an actual business office or depot, has no Superior or Dispatcher either communicating with him/her or that you could call, if you needed to, and this transportation of trust is happening after you have consumed too much alcohol, during a terrific rainstorm. Still feeling comfortable there, Evel Knievel? Well, then let me share my observations and personal opinions and we will see if I cannot sway you a bit.
To become this uber-responsible (pun intended) mover of precious human livestock, first, you will need a phone and a car.
[Cricket sound. Cricket sound…]
Oh, if you were looking for more … that is the end of the qualifications! In New Jersey, I think the car may have to be at least 2006, so not just any car will do … stringent, I know! Now, MILLIONS of untrained personnel (Minions as it were), whom their employer has never met, will flood the streets, in cutthroat competitiveness, making BILLIONS for these companies. Hence the question mark and exclamation point in my title. Is it a genius business model or one of the most thoughtless for consumers ever? Lest I mention the tremendous kick in the gonads that this corporate brilliance gave to the private Cab companies, with actual employees!
Perhaps I am digressing from the challenges of being employed by Ridesharing operations, for the sake of getting a humorous rise out of you. Though you will not have an impending interview, with three rigid personalities from upper management, while sitting around a judgmental and uncomfortably silent conference room table. Nor will your resume be painstakingly scrutinized over by someone younger than you, as they weigh the qualifications of your competitors solely on paper credentials. But … but … YOU WILL HAVE TO FIGURE OUT THE FUCKING APP AND THERE IS NO EASY WAY TO CONTACT (PHONE OR EMAIL) YOUR “SO-CALLED EMPLOYER!”
Once you have secured this lucrative income, and the latter is an actual sincere statement, be prepared for just some of the following scenarios as a Driver:
· A different — and usually offensive — smell with each new passenger.
· Such non-pre-disclosed responsibilities such as, putting leaky groceries into your trunk or dirty baby car seats onto your freshly steamed upholstery…which was done for the purpose of putting random people in your vehicle, to begin with. As a Helicopter Dad, I could never understand the trust that these parents were putting in me, over the safety of their children. Fortunately, these types of passengers will NEVER tip!
· Vomiting Bar Flies — though I was prepared for this scenario, thank God it never happened to me, although it is a frequent occurrence for late-night drivers.
· Taking impeccably dressed, groomed, and perfumed Riders to fantastic restaurants or hot spots at the shore, as you lament your dreams and contemplate driving all of you into the side of the night club or restaurant, as opposed to a curbside drop.
· Conversations — for me, who really did not want to be there, this was one of the worst aspects. Thanks to advertising, people seem to think that we (Rideshare Drivers) are a special, interesting, and friendly lot. We are people who need a quick buck! We are cab drivers, who do not have a cab. The vehicle we allow you in is “OUR CAR”, and we hate having strangers in it. Well, at least we obsessive-compulsive drivers do. This is not a TV commercial, and this is not my, “fun side hustle.” It was my last resort! Keep quiet, stop moving around, do not talk to your friends about your great escapades, past or upcoming, get out at your stop, and take your smells with you … oh and, “thanks, have a great night, hope you tip on the app!”
Of course, there is more. There is always more … like the endless slew of ever-changing passenger scenes in my rearview mirror. Once again, this editorial was about the jobs themselves (overall), to give my readers “a sense” of these choices, and the lessons that I learned. For example, our government has a bottomless wallet and no shortage of people willing to take advantage of that, acting as if they are making a difference. Additionally, if you have a deviated septum, Uber is a fantastic way to earn extra money.
Conclusion: Considering the life that occupations such as these are sucking out of me, as I try to launch a new career as a Writer, this essay should have been just one sentence reading: “This is the blog that I would have written … if I had more Subscribers and a corresponding paycheck … but I must go now, to my employment suicide contemplation destination!”
