The Unfunny Truth
(An episodic look behind the scenes of the lives of Stand-Up Comics)
Crooked Views
By Joseph Anthony
These Blogs are “my truths!” I stake no logistical claims, nor research to support my opinions and experiences.
Part 4 The Finale — Agents, Managers, and Other GATEKEEPERS
People often ask, considering my challenges in comedy, “why don’t you get an Agent?” Well, for one thing, I am already married, so, giving up a piece of my income, with no rewards slot, is already taken. Rimshot sounds, then the Lounge Lizard Comic blurts out, “I’m here all week, tip your waitstaff and try the veal.” But seriously, there is so much more to it. You do not get an Agent, they get you, and only after you have generated enough career heat (interest), on your own first. You are nobody until you are somebody! Anyone else, bearing any other promises, is just stealing your money. Taking a percentage of the work that you procured, yourself. A viable representative basically offers this unspoken, slimy but honest, very factual proposal — “you bring, one hundred thousand dollars to the table and I can turn it into two hundred thousand and even more!” They do not see the talent, the brand, the potential, and decide to take a chance on you, with their name attached. NEVER! That would take dedication and hard work … so squash that 1930s Hollywood era, time machine fantasy, right here-right now, before we continue.
I have literally had handfuls of people, outside the loop (i.e., general entertainer company bookers) — who saw me turn their venues, “upside-down” with laughter, and had their clients asking … begging for me to return as soon as possible — wanting to get more involved in my career. They earnestly (of course financial greed was always the underlying motive) felt that I deserved so much more. I never got too excited about the prospect, and less so, with each new courtship, but I would let them have THEIR dream. I like being the talent. I despise being the mouthpiece, for myself. So, I gave anyone turned on enough to give the pursuit of getting me more work, the tools (contacts, etc.) to do so. Usually, within 3 weeks, they returned my tools back to me, in pristine, unchanged condition, saying, “this shit is hard!”
To Comedians, just starting out, and to most everyone else in the world, who gives it more than two seconds of thought, there is a ton of gray area, when it comes to distinguishing which thief holds which title. Now that is harsh! They are not all thieves, but they do perch themselves on many different branches of the giving tree. That’s a metaphoric pun and a slap in the face to unconditional behavior everywhere, not to mention Shel Silverstein, author of The Giving Tree — Wikipedia. Another common phrase or misconception is, to advance your career, “you need an Agent!” Different from the question, in the first sentence, this is shared as advice. To which I concur, “yes … yes, I do.” But what I truly need, is a REAL ONE! Last week I examined (or exposed) Bookers. Now, let me shed some light on Agents, Managers, and venue owners of all kinds.
In a standard contract, between an Agent and an Artist, the agent is legally entitled to ten percent of your gig income. In many scenarios, the endearing term, used by Comedians for Agents, that implore a Merry-Go-Round technique of booking, is Low Level! I said, low level … if you heard any other derogatory phrase, in your head, when you first read that, then I must exercise my 5th Amendment right here. The usual charm of these Booking Agents lies in having a large stable of Comedians, signed to them, and business relationships, with several comedy clubs/weekly comedy venues. Fill those stages every week, with rotating cattle, grab a little “chop meat” ($) from each Livestock, and a salary each week, from the Burger joints (clubs), for doing so … and BOOM, call yourself an Agent. Not only, are they not selling their talent to venues or negotiating their salaries, they are running a double-dip conveyer belt, with fixed incomes, AND they let other Cattle Ranchers lick the spoon (i.e., some clubs will work with more than one agent to book their room, but the agreements are identical).
Now the Super-Agent is legit! However, they will be in a meeting, when you try calling, for the rest of your natural life, or career, whichever ends first. Or, until you step in fictitious dog shit and bring that first suitcase of dough (cash) to their desk. Super-Agents DO NOT treat Comedians like cattle! They treat them, like Golden egg laying Geese and will only sell to “high end” Burger joints. Oh, by the way, the pre-existing notoriety, that the Comedian had when signing with that Super-Agent, probably could have been upsold by a Monkey (or more literally — in most cases such as this — former Attorney’s).
What have we learned so far class? Only kidding — let us press on! I figured a silly insertion was necessary, to keep those dreaming of a career in Stand-Up Comedy, from crying themselves to sleep tonight. The first lesson in creative writing is, write about what you know. Soon after, you are hard-pressed to keep it brief. Combining both lessons, in a thirty-year journey, while defining THE MANAGER, will be a Mo@#$%^&*ker! As it is, my readers already know, that I have diarrhea of the Keyboard!
Most Managers that I have known, have been nothing more than a Booker. However, legally, a Manager is entitled to twenty percent of your salary, hence there are more Managers than Agents. Circa 1993, crouched in a cubby hole, near the kitchen to showroom door, at East Side Comedy Club in Long Island, I had the following paraphrased conversation with a Comedian (keeping him nameless), who is funnier than most from his generation of Comics and highly respected by his constituents, especially me. An early 20 something, eager, Mullet wearing me, said, “I want to go all the way — I need a Manager.” To which he asked, “what do you mean by all the way?” “You know, headline clubs, TV spots …” Then came the wisdom, “what you want is an Agent, they get you work. A Manager is going to tell you how to comb your hair.” There was more, but his analogy was right. The problem is, most Managers are not taking that personal interest (such as hair combing, lol) in their clients. For a Manager, should manage your career. Working on perfecting your brand, working together to get you exposure, trying to get you better deals/contracts. Even, find you an Agent, so they can concentrate less on booking you and more on the latter type of stuff.
Not all Managers are complete crap. Some try to create an opportunity for advancement, but in many cases are either spread too thin, with a massive client base, or just not powerful enough in the industry, to blaze a trail. The better ones keep a small-focused Roster and can be advantageous to their client’s development. Still, others have the Peter Grant complex (famed and aloof Led Zeppelin Manager). I once experienced this firsthand. The appeal for me, in signing with this representative, was the potential leverage available, because he already had HIS Led Zep Comedian. However, narcissism, which has no place in such a partnership, found me treated with the same harshness, that Grant projected on everyone else, besides his Star client(s). All failure to succeed was my fault and concern for his image (the manager), was much more important than that of mine. He knew of one platform for exposure and all other options were not within his wheelhouse. This made for an extremely limited and unfair pathway of closed doors for me, the talent! I once asked, “if I cannot secure bookings on my own, because we are exclusive, and you absolve yourself of that responsibility because (quote), I am not an Agent, and if social media might not be the avenue for my brand, what then, do you manage?” The answer was brilliantly evasive — “I manage expectations!” That is why I labeled him, with the pseudonym, Spin Master. You never got a straight answer, and all shortcomings were spun back on you.
The bottom line in this situation, and on the topic of Managers in general, is that leaving our Dickhead day job Manager’s behind, is a big part of the inspiration for us (Comedians), wanting to escape the 9 to 5 world in the first place. We believe that we have something more to offer than just being another robotic cog in the wheel.
Rather than saying, Comedy Club owners, let us group this final provider of Stand-Up comedy for the public, as well as a place to work and earn for Comedians, as Clients. At the end of the day (or night as it were) these Clients, whether they own a bar, a restaurant, a catering hall, a comedy club, a cabaret house, or a fucking barn, are going to pay you to perform. As a result, they conjure up in us, the absolute most anxiety, of anyone mentioned in this series. In their defense, it is their square (facetious term meaning space) and even God’s gift to laughter, is a guest in that house. In the most vulgar, yet quite commonly understood and plain language, that I can say it … if you are gonna suck a dick (figuratively and still for some, literally) that is the one! In my career, I have been rather good at drawing lines in the sand. On the topic of ass-kissing, I always commented, “I don’t like the taste of ass!” Which, Joseph, implies that you have tasted one before… but anyway … my credo is and always has been, “I’m a person first and a Comedian second.” I have done some pride swallowing stuff, to keep working, it is a necessary evil. Things that made me throw up a little, in my own mouth, to derive a paycheck and provide for my family. But I have also said, “no”, or pushed back, when I felt I needed to, even if it meant losing accounts, and in some cases, I did. This is a very … let me repeat VERY … unpopular thing for comics to do. My mother used to say, when you shut the door at night and put your head on the pillow, you have to sleep with you.
As the legendary Pat Cooper (a Comedian possessing the balls towards the industry, which we all secretly desire), once shouted at me, “Comics are sheep, but me, I’m a Herder.” However, even though he saran wrapped all of the industry personnel together as rotten, when I would tell him how I stood up for myself, he would say, “no-no, you can’t do that Joey, you need to work … you need these scumbags.” “But Pat,” I’d say, “you take no shit.” To which, he replied, “it’s different — I’m a Star!” In case you are not familiar with Pat, I am ending this draining, four-part episodic blog, The Unfunny Truth, with a clip tributing him, as he goes after one of the biggest names in show business. Another amazing talent, whom I greatly admire, for his genius and plight to consistently buck the system/people, that tries to control our gifted puppet strings. www.youtu.be/TxfDda-oG7I
